Ok, so now I'm obsessed with this rapture thing. The world ends on my birthday, October 21. But, what time zone is God on? PST? EST? Zulu? GMT, God mean time? Or God's mean. Time! They say to look in the bible for answers. I looked, and... nuthin'. I looked for the book of Timex but couldn't find that, either. And does God wear a watch? Will he be talking to St. Peter and say, "Jesus look at the time, I've got a world to destroy, excuse my french.." Does he put "BRB" on his Facebook status? I know on the seventh day he rested, was he winding his watch? You'd think being all powerful, it would be self winding.
The country of Tonga's slogan is "where the day begins." Well, how's that working for you now? Can't be too good for tourism. People went there to see the millennium start, will they be there to watch the world end? How do you pay for it? American Express? Everyone who has one keeps telling me, "you have to pay it off at the end of the month." Isn't that why you have a credit card, in the first place, so you don't have to? But I digress. Me, I'm putting First Class tickets on my credit card and then saying a big "fuck you, assholes" to the credit card companies Teach you to charge me 27% interest. How you like me now? See you in hell. Plus we're twelve hours ahead of San Francisco, so can I jump on a plane and beat it back to SF and get an extra 12 hours? Kinda like Ground hog day? This is all very confusing.
Yeah, I'm going straight to hell, but at least my friends will be there. And the assholes from the credit card companies. We're playing poker. Jacks or better to open. And, sorry pal, no credit...
Friday, June 10, 2011
Maybe Bill Gates is the antichrist..
-I just heard that the rapture has been rescheduled until October 21, my birthday. Seriously? So, start sending those presents now folks. Why is it that if you tell people that you hear voices or the world will end you get put in the looney bin unless you say God talked to you and you have a radio show, then it's all good? This does not imply that you should not still send present, though. Can't be too careful.
-My cell phone is recharged with a calling card. I get 1000 minutes a month. I use maybe 10. I now am 2990 to the positive. Hello, God......
-I put in a request to have my air conditioner fixed while I was on R and R . They showed up 3 weeks later at 8:30 at night, stuck their hand up and said, 'you are good, sir, please sign here." Did God send you?
-I heard that in the true tradition of my alma mater, Stanford was 60 out of 61 to put in their request to participate in the student academic bowl at the national PA conference in Las Vegas, obviously they didn't get in (God's will) But the better news? My friend Kathy's alma mater, San Joaquin Valley College was 61.
-My friend Garth is here. I think that he maybe getting over the ,"Oh God what have I gotten myself into?" shock.
-Slow internet is the work of the devil. And Bill Gates. (Same thing? I love my MAC)
-I write myself notes to remind about stuff to blog. I have the following: FF, time off ambulance, handed phone. God knows what they mean.
-Wait I remember one. I was standing in the middle of the clinic. It was crazy busy when Z handed me the Bat phone. "Hello. I said. Who's this?" the other voice said. "This is Mark Caplin the clinic PA, who's this?" I said. "This is your ambulance crew, we have a 37 year old male having a seizure..." I didn't even know that they had gone a call. For the love of god....
-I had a firefighter come in who quit so he could got get medical treatment in Australia. He lives in Southern California. So his Chief called to get him un-resigned. But his injury wasn't that bad. And it happened two weeks ago and he didn't report it. Now he wants a worker's comp. claim. Turns out that he really met an Australian women on Facebook. And, well, you can figure out the rest. (Oh that's what the "FF"means...)
Sweet baby Jesus....
-My cell phone is recharged with a calling card. I get 1000 minutes a month. I use maybe 10. I now am 2990 to the positive. Hello, God......
-I put in a request to have my air conditioner fixed while I was on R and R . They showed up 3 weeks later at 8:30 at night, stuck their hand up and said, 'you are good, sir, please sign here." Did God send you?
-I heard that in the true tradition of my alma mater, Stanford was 60 out of 61 to put in their request to participate in the student academic bowl at the national PA conference in Las Vegas, obviously they didn't get in (God's will) But the better news? My friend Kathy's alma mater, San Joaquin Valley College was 61.
-My friend Garth is here. I think that he maybe getting over the ,"Oh God what have I gotten myself into?" shock.
-Slow internet is the work of the devil. And Bill Gates. (Same thing? I love my MAC)
-I write myself notes to remind about stuff to blog. I have the following: FF, time off ambulance, handed phone. God knows what they mean.
-Wait I remember one. I was standing in the middle of the clinic. It was crazy busy when Z handed me the Bat phone. "Hello. I said. Who's this?" the other voice said. "This is Mark Caplin the clinic PA, who's this?" I said. "This is your ambulance crew, we have a 37 year old male having a seizure..." I didn't even know that they had gone a call. For the love of god....
-I had a firefighter come in who quit so he could got get medical treatment in Australia. He lives in Southern California. So his Chief called to get him un-resigned. But his injury wasn't that bad. And it happened two weeks ago and he didn't report it. Now he wants a worker's comp. claim. Turns out that he really met an Australian women on Facebook. And, well, you can figure out the rest. (Oh that's what the "FF"means...)
Sweet baby Jesus....
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Note to self-I'm old...
I had an eye problem this morning. I just couldn't see going to work. Doing the job of four people with slow internet did me in. Plus someone kept calling my cell phone with a wrong number . Except for the emergency that I almost didn't answer because I thought that it was my new Afghani friend. I did see that it was the clinic number so I answered. Bill was at the clinic so he took care of it but I went up there to make sure that everything was good. And it was; and I was kicked out of my own clinic, so I went back to bed. That'll show 'em. Except for my new onset of insomnia. I could not physically make myself go to work. I was physically and mentally beat. I could barely talk to E on Skype. She must of thought that I was having a stroke. I thought that I was having a stroke. Except that would involve energy, which I had none of.
We are the hub for people coming and going on RnR. As they say at Delta,"If you're going to Hell or honolulu, you have to change planes in Atlanta." Well, if you are coming or going from Afghanistan, you gotta come to KAF. And Karki will put you to work. Even if it's your last day here. Gerald, one of our Medics had finished his year here. It was the day before he left to go on the freedom bird. We got an ambulance call. He jumped in took care of the patient, including in the clinic. Including changing his pants and cleaning him up after an "accident" from a seizure. Up to 15 minutes before he had to go to his flight briefing. This is the caliber of people that I work with.Why they let me in is anybody's guess.
I received a call from one of the medics about an early morning patient that woke him up. He had an ear ache. It was before sick call but the FOB medics will see you at almost anytime. He said it felt like someone was scratching his ear drum. He asked the patient if his ear felt scratchy. He said,"No it feels like something is scratching." J looked in his ear and saw something moving. He was able to grab it and get it out and put it in a urine specimen cup. There just happened to be an Army entomologist visiting the base so he took the bug to show him. It was a Red Army ant. (The commies are everywhere) A queen.
All together now,"Ewewwwwwwww..."
We are the hub for people coming and going on RnR. As they say at Delta,"If you're going to Hell or honolulu, you have to change planes in Atlanta." Well, if you are coming or going from Afghanistan, you gotta come to KAF. And Karki will put you to work. Even if it's your last day here. Gerald, one of our Medics had finished his year here. It was the day before he left to go on the freedom bird. We got an ambulance call. He jumped in took care of the patient, including in the clinic. Including changing his pants and cleaning him up after an "accident" from a seizure. Up to 15 minutes before he had to go to his flight briefing. This is the caliber of people that I work with.Why they let me in is anybody's guess.
I received a call from one of the medics about an early morning patient that woke him up. He had an ear ache. It was before sick call but the FOB medics will see you at almost anytime. He said it felt like someone was scratching his ear drum. He asked the patient if his ear felt scratchy. He said,"No it feels like something is scratching." J looked in his ear and saw something moving. He was able to grab it and get it out and put it in a urine specimen cup. There just happened to be an Army entomologist visiting the base so he took the bug to show him. It was a Red Army ant. (The commies are everywhere) A queen.
All together now,"Ewewwwwwwww..."
That'll teach me...
If enough people say "Gee, we haven't had a rocket attack for awhile.." Well you know. 0530 this morning. No casualties. Except for my caffeine deprived bunker mates. Some serious withdrawal symptoms happening. Good thing there was no Taliban around, they would of been done beaten within an inch of their life. "Sir, sir, stop hitting me. What is this 'Starbucks?' " Death by KAF badge. It could of been ugly.
Eight more days until Dennis comes back. Eight l o n g days. We have a new Internet provider here in sunny Afghanistan (it was 120 today). We have upgraded and now have slower Internet. I kid you not. Brilliant I tell you, brilliant. Actually infuriating, I tell you, infuriating. I was ready to make a sacrifice of an IT tech with rum and cigars. I actually went out to find another provider on base and pay for it myself. I have to answer emails that have medical files attached it take from people wanting to come back into country from medical leave. It used to take 30 seconds. Now it takes 30 minutes. Or 30 days, or 30 months, Ok I exaggerate, but it feels that way. Our email is up and down all day like a yo-yo. That's making me coo-coo. How Dennis did all of this prior to me getting here 'll never know. The man's a saint. Me, I'm getting cross eyed. Like a Saint Bernard. Drool and everything. Saint Mark, the angry patron saint of emails. "Sit boy, now fetch the coffee. Bad, dog that's tea..."
Eight more days until Dennis comes back. Eight l o n g days. We have a new Internet provider here in sunny Afghanistan (it was 120 today). We have upgraded and now have slower Internet. I kid you not. Brilliant I tell you, brilliant. Actually infuriating, I tell you, infuriating. I was ready to make a sacrifice of an IT tech with rum and cigars. I actually went out to find another provider on base and pay for it myself. I have to answer emails that have medical files attached it take from people wanting to come back into country from medical leave. It used to take 30 seconds. Now it takes 30 minutes. Or 30 days, or 30 months, Ok I exaggerate, but it feels that way. Our email is up and down all day like a yo-yo. That's making me coo-coo. How Dennis did all of this prior to me getting here 'll never know. The man's a saint. Me, I'm getting cross eyed. Like a Saint Bernard. Drool and everything. Saint Mark, the angry patron saint of emails. "Sit boy, now fetch the coffee. Bad, dog that's tea..."
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Too bushed to blog...
At the bottom of my signature block on my email Karki made me put "Acting Director of Clinical Services," as I am doing that while Dennis is on R and R. And I am exhausted because of it. I mean it's not like a voodoo curse curse caused by the email, it's me trying to do 4 jobs. How Dennis did it before me, I'll never know. He is Superman. Basically I am the liaison between OHS and Dyncorp. I have to send people out for medical leave then review all of their documentation and determine if they are fit for duty , then send out email clearing them to come back. As well as run the clinic, oversee sick call, do training, handle admin. emergencies and do quality assurance on FOB medic SOAPs. Waaaaa. Would you like cheese with that wine?
I usually wake up before my alarm. It goes off while I'm having the morning brew. Now I wake up to the annoying little beep. My kingdom for a snooze alarm. At least it's not the nice rocket attack lady...
I usually wake up before my alarm. It goes off while I'm having the morning brew. Now I wake up to the annoying little beep. My kingdom for a snooze alarm. At least it's not the nice rocket attack lady...
Friday, June 3, 2011
Potato chips, gatorade, an IV and blood test. Alrighty then..
I have talked about the "Contractor chic" look which I , of course, spelled wrong. I now have now seen the "contractor dork" look. You can tell us from a mile away. 5.11 pants, desert boots, and a fly fishing shirt. Very practical. But some guys have no fashion sense. Ok a lot of guys have no fashion sense. Not that you need it here, but why look like a dork in an airport. I like to travel in my traveling clothes. A pair of Levis, collared shirt with pocket and walking shoes. These guys have a collared, usually green shirt, shorts and desert boots with long socks. And they are always chewing gum. Very intensely. And loudly. Dude, really? Quitting smoking maybe. Good on ya. But some old dude smacking his lips with his white spindly legs and USMC hat is a little much. That look will definitely not get you laid.
The temp is well over a hundred and heading to 41 degrees C. We have to be on the alert for heat exhaustion. Drink water is our mantra. But not too much. 'Specially if you don't eat. And are driving a car. And crash it into a ditch. And then your friends throw you in another car and drive you past the Role 3 to us. The medical name is hyponatremia. The lay person term is water poisoning. Too much water, not enough salt. Tell the medic that you drank 5 bottles of water but then you tell me 15. Aha there's your problem...Normal sodium-135. Yours 128. That would be less than. This is bad, so we started an IV and I went down to the Role 3 to get you admitted. But they don't want you. There is a high tech, fancy smancy solution and then there's the Afghanistan way. Give him IVs, Gatorade and salty potato chips. One question-salt and vinegar or barbecue? We want to get this treatment right you know. Off to the PX I go. I sort of vetoed the potato chips, he was also dehydrated. His urine looked like orange juice. With a high specific gravity. Gatorade was on sale, so I bought 5. Talk about controlling health care costs. I don't even know what "obamacare" is but I don't think it involves Pringles.
The temp is well over a hundred and heading to 41 degrees C. We have to be on the alert for heat exhaustion. Drink water is our mantra. But not too much. 'Specially if you don't eat. And are driving a car. And crash it into a ditch. And then your friends throw you in another car and drive you past the Role 3 to us. The medical name is hyponatremia. The lay person term is water poisoning. Too much water, not enough salt. Tell the medic that you drank 5 bottles of water but then you tell me 15. Aha there's your problem...Normal sodium-135. Yours 128. That would be less than. This is bad, so we started an IV and I went down to the Role 3 to get you admitted. But they don't want you. There is a high tech, fancy smancy solution and then there's the Afghanistan way. Give him IVs, Gatorade and salty potato chips. One question-salt and vinegar or barbecue? We want to get this treatment right you know. Off to the PX I go. I sort of vetoed the potato chips, he was also dehydrated. His urine looked like orange juice. With a high specific gravity. Gatorade was on sale, so I bought 5. Talk about controlling health care costs. I don't even know what "obamacare" is but I don't think it involves Pringles.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Funny money honey
We don't have a bank here. We have ATMs One dispenses twenties and the other 100's. The 20 dispenser seems to be broken, a lot. I feel sorry for the enlisted guys who have to get 100 dollar bills on their salary. The PX will take an ATM card or an "Eagle" card which is a military ATM card, which you can use anywhere. Mostly, though, it's cash on the barrel head. When you come back from R and R they give you money. Cash. They call it your R and R reimbursement. I call it the " Oh thanks so much for coming back to this hot, dusty 'S' hole. We can't believe that you actually came back" money. On your second R and R you get twice that amount. What a job. Crisp 100 dollar bills. And nothing to buy. At the end of your contract they give you $5,000. I wonder if it's 50 100 dollar bills? Nobody bats an eye here when you hand them a C note. In the States they alert the Secret Service and have a drug sniffing dog smelling Mr. Franklin's face. Here, no big deal. I don't mean to flaunt my money. Ok, maybe a little. It's just weird having all of this cash. It's just normal here.
I put my money in a safe place. I put mine in a security envelope. Well, that's what it says on the side of the cardboard box. "Security envelope. 100" So it's got to be safe, right? These thin envelopes that you can't see through should thwart any thief that comes my way. And I hid it. I just can't remember where.
I was going to go buy a sausage roll but I'm short of cash and I did such a good job of playing stash the cash that I need a drug sniffing dog to find it. Hmmmmm, maybe I could borrow some money from another R and R returnee."Oh, you hid yours too? Did you check under your mattress? No, me neither. Damn those security envelopes..."
I put my money in a safe place. I put mine in a security envelope. Well, that's what it says on the side of the cardboard box. "Security envelope. 100" So it's got to be safe, right? These thin envelopes that you can't see through should thwart any thief that comes my way. And I hid it. I just can't remember where.
I was going to go buy a sausage roll but I'm short of cash and I did such a good job of playing stash the cash that I need a drug sniffing dog to find it. Hmmmmm, maybe I could borrow some money from another R and R returnee."Oh, you hid yours too? Did you check under your mattress? No, me neither. Damn those security envelopes..."
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