You know you're in a relationship if..

-if you're a single guy, there are tampons in your bathroom cabinet
-going to the movies requires an advanced degree in negotiation
-you rent a movie that you wouldn't get caught dead watching normally
-you argue about doing the laundry
Here's how it goes-you've been single doing the laundry your way quite well thank you, no you live with this person who thinks your way is wrong and their way is right. Here's our fight-The dryer. It's about knob control. You guys know it, timed dry or automatic dry. More dry/less dry. The timeless argument. "No beat on rock five times, no, Ogg beat on rock 10." Adam and Eve fighting about fig leaf drying. "Let's ask the snake." Big mistake. The snake is clearly a timed dry guy. Plus he's an Apple guy and you're a PC. And that's where the problems started.
They do our laundry for us here. Pretty cool. Except now I have a bunch of blue underpants. Hey how about a little separation of colors and whites? I'm just saying. Plus I didn't have anything blue in my bag. So the mixing of someone else's laundry and mine have caused off white to take on a whole new meaning. Oh well, no one's gonna see them.

New shoes, blue shoes..Ok black boots but they're still new

My new, zipper-less boots have arrived and they are instantly comfortable. Being old, I remember  having the "break in" period of boots. Now boots and shoes are comfortable out of the box. When the DVD player broke at home my first thought was to get it fixed, but of course it was better and cheaper to get a new one. We did the computer monitor fixed which, of course, was more expensive than buying a newer one. I am a "hunt and pecker" when it comes to typing, I mean keyboarding. I never learned to type in High School, just how to use a quill. I am also a pecker checker, but that's at work. Moving on...
I have a rechargeable razor that runs on 220 but we have 110 in the room so I have a converter to go the other way. It has a recharge light on it. Which failed me as the razor died halfway through shaving. Half a shaved face, very attractive. Luckily I had my backup plug in. Why not use  blade you ask? Because I have a face like a baby's butt. Yes, I would be at the Role 3 getting a blood transfusion half way through the shave. Not enough tissue in the world to stop the bleeding. So sad to be both butt ugly and have facial clotting factors of a hemophiliac. I actually like having a shaved face. I think I look good with a beard but E thinks that I look like  90 year old pirate.  "Hemophiliac gray beard" Arrrr I needs me some factor VII. My parrot's name is platelets. And my hand is a hook. An IV hook.
I think I need more tea......

Mr. Coordination..

I am a one man three stooges show. Everywhere around here are cylindrical containers of sanitary wipes. I have a brand new bottle of "Wet Ones." So I opened it up and poked the first one through the hole. And, like a chinese finger puzzle (think Data on Star Trek) I got my finger stuck in it. And it hurt. There are plastic teeth in the hole in order to be able to tear off an individual sheet. Killer plastic teeth, plastic teeth that are designed to allow objects to travel one way. I now have a microscopic cut on my finger from prying my finger out of the whole. What a dumb ass.
We encourage people here to drink a lot of water. We try and practice what we preach. One thing that happens if you don't drink enough water is that you get constipated. Which I have experienced first hand. Two days ago. So I took a magic little pill to help things out, so to speak. Well, I am here to tell you, those little pills work. All of a sudden finding a bathroom becomes your number one priority.
Both of these events happened during my morning Skype call with E. Luckily she knows what a dumb ass I am. "Sorry honey, gotta go..."
Update on the hand guy-He kept his finger and had skin grafts from the finger next to it.

There's no "I" in team...or cult.........

I always tell people that everything that I do involves teamwork. Sailing, scottish country dancing, and work. While some people prefer to work alone, locked in a cubicle, I would rapidly kill myself or my computer. I need people. "People, people who need people..are the luckiest people..." or sometimes they're a pain in the ass. Anyway today was an example of why I love this job. Simple scenario-guy smacks his hand in a door and gets a cut on his finger. No big deal. Next day goes to the Medic because it looks a little infected. Medic cleans it up tells him to come back the next day. Comes back the next day and now it's really swollen, he sees the PA who starts him on antibiotics, thinks that it's an abscess and pokes a hole in it; tells him to come back the next day. Comes back the next day and, holy sausage wrapper, Batman, it's hugely swollen. The PA numbs it up and drains out a bunch of pus and tells him to come back, say it together, "the next day." Comes back, now it's more swollen so he calls me for advice. I suggest a military consult, so he takes him to his version of the Role 3. "Holy shit," they say and take him to surgery to debrede the wound, start him on antibiotics and keep him overnight. The next day the finger is worse, so back to surgery he goes. Day three he needs more surgery. They have wounded to care for. Frantic phone calls are made because the next surgery here will be to amputate his finger. And he kinda needs it for his job. I suggest sending him to Dubai. He is a foreign national and needs an emergency visa. No problem, the receiving hospital can do that for a price. We agree on a price and have him discharged to our PA to prevent medical Civil War rein-actors from going all Clara Barton on his ass, or finger, in this case. But he must have his visa in hand before he can board his flight. Which is at 0900, the visa will be issued at 1400. That's 05 hours later. More phone calls. "Send him to KAF, we have a flight at 1430." Says the poo pond medical staff. So on the plane he goes. Arrives at 1300, picked up by yours truly, he comes to clinic and gets his drain in his finger irrigated and is whisked off to his flight. After dealing with security who wasn't going to let him leave the terminal because he didn't have the correct badge. "I am a male escort and he is a medevac" says I. Which completely confused them, so he signed a form and I rushed him out of the arrivals terminal to the departure terminal via the clinic. The looks on their face said, "it's Mark, don't try and figure it out." Turns out they had been waiting for him in departure, which is a completely separate building. So on to the flight he went. He was such a nice guy and was taking this all in stride. Not sure how he's doing, will find out in the morning. They were waiting for him at the Dubai airport to rush him to the hospital. All in all it went really well. Everyone did their job and we constantly communicated with each other. I told him that he couldn't eat on the plane in case he was going right to surgery. Besides it's hard enough eating airplane food, let alone one handed.

Now you're just being annoying...

I am seeing the bunker more than my room. First two hours in the morning then last night at 1206 am; 0006 for those of you keeping score at home. Enough with the "Rocket............attack....rocket attack." OK, I get it. I thought that maybe I was dreaming. I was in that just went to bed and  I'm sound asleep and comfy mode. But up I got. Not too many folks got up. Apparently they were more comfy than I was. Z is mad because I didn't wake her up. I could barely wake me up. She said I left her there to die. Drama much? I told her that if she got killed, then I would come and wake her up. And I would change her Facebook status. What are friends for.
On the good side, this week I have had real bangers and mash at the British dfac and shepherd's pie. Life is good. In the morning we are going to the french PX for real fruit smoothies and chicken mushroom quiche. War is hell. And it's making me fat

C'est la guerre

C'est la quiche I tried to take  picture of a bunker but my camera was on video so there's just an inanimate concrete building doing nothing. Not exactly "National Geographic." I broke the zipper on my boot so now I'm tying myself into said boot until replacements arrive. I blame the Taliban. And Converse. I love these boots. But why a zipper? C'est la boot. Or Das Boot or Ok I'l stop now..

Alright, enough already, we get it..

Six rocket attacks in two days is a little much. Five at one time. I was in the bunker, had to pee, and was making my way to the bathroom when the alarm went off again. A quick about face and dash, with knees together, back to the bunker. Next morning we had a repeat but this time I took my cup of tea. All very civilized. Was late morning so I was two hours late to work. Nobody was at sick-call anyway, they were n the bunker.We have to take this stuff seriously but it does get annoying. Here's an idea:shoot back. I'm just saying...
Our new Admin people have moved next door, opening up a room that was cleaned today. Now to stock it, build some cabinets and maybe get it painted. Where's E when I need her? She would love this. Look out HGTV. "Vern is going with the bullet proof drapes and earth tones. Oh, wait. That's dirt."

Poo pond medical, how can I help you?

Good morning campers. Another day in paradise. Role 1 meeting today. They are getting shorter and shorter. The Army Captain who is in charge is a PA and very laid back. He was the Role 3 urgent care practitioner the other day and we brought him an appendicitis patent. He knocked on the surgeons door to ask them if they wanted to talk to us. The response was," Those Goddamn contractors know how to do this, they just need to get them admitted to the urgent care. And they know that." Thanks, dude, that's what we were doing. Just because you're at KAF doesn't mean you left your surgeons's ego in the States.  Oh well, life goes on. Planning is underway for our new physical exam center, called "DIDC," here at KAF and at the two other hubs. Of course we don't have the personnel, or all of the equipment, or a clear idea of what we are doing, but we do have doctors and so, bring 'em on. Adapt and over come. Semper Gumby. We are moving all of our new administration staff to the building next door. We also want to use part of that building to do the physicals until we take over a tent next door. Except that has 16 people living in it so they have to find a place for them to live. Nothing is easy here. All part of the fun. It's sort of like a 12 step program. The poo pond is our higher power, we live one day at a time and I'm always making amends. And I don't even drink...

It's 3 card Monte, but with cars

So we are having growing pains and personnel changes here. We are doing our "reorg" and adding admin. positions left and right. The clinic is packed with people both clinic staff, new admin people, and new staff in general. I am selling space in my office as you have to go outside to change your mind. We have also rented vehicles as people are always coming and going and we are dedicating some vehicles to specific people. The PAs get a Toyota Forerunner to run around in. There is only one space to park at Camp Hicks were we live, and that gets taking by the first person here, usually our new program manager. Karki has been bringing the other vehicle here later so I just walk back listening to my ipod. I like to take the long way home, past the poo pond so I can get some exercise and unwind on the way "home." Ahhh, sunset over the poo pond, how romantic. Except for the holding your nose part. And praying for no rocket attacks. And avoiding the trucks that are depositing their loads in said pond. They have flashing orange lights on them, so they are easy to spot. And worrying about poisonous snakes or killer insect life. But, other than that it's all good. Anyway, there were two trucks at Camp Hicks and Karki left me the keys for the morning drive. The new Docs were waiting for me so I jumped in the truck and realized that I had the wrong key. The Docs walked to clinic and I walked later. I had to go back to Hicks later that morning to take care of some business. I grabbed another key and walked back. I had a patient in the role 3 that I had to make rounds on so I figured that I would walk down, get the truck and drive to the role 3. Karki said he had parked our truck on the road in front of Hicks so I walked up and down to no avail. So I figured that I had grabbed the keys to the truck that was parked in our spot, so I walked back to the Hicks parking lot. Nope, no dice. So now I walked back to the clinic, slammed the keys on the desk announced that we are missing two trucks and grabbed a set of keys to the new rental truck, and drove to the role 3. This one is right hand drive as opposed to the left hand drive Toyotas, so I was once again using the windshield wipers to signal my turns. Later I got my left hand drive truck back which had been parked around the corner (Karki failed to mention that) and had to reorient myself again. We now have the cleanest windshields in Afganistan. And the most annoyed PA...

Dinner and dancing at the Dfac

Sometimes music just happens here. Last night was Hawaiian music night at the Boardwalk. Some soldiers had gotten together and were playing reggae and Hawaiian music. Nice. Had my orange smoothie and was hanging out on a beach, sort of. All we need is an ocean. And palm trees. So as close to Aloha as we get around here. Then back to the room to watch "Taking Chance" on the computer. Great movie, but bad choice if you're in Afghanistan. Nothing like crying your eyes out before bed.
The day before there was a brass band playing in the Dfac. Official Army band doing a little dinner jazz. At lunch. I really just wanted to stay and listen but I had to get back to the clinic. Music just busting out all over the AOR.
I took the new Docs to the Saturday Bizarre. I just realized that we are never attacked on Saturday. Now that's Aloha.

I had just bombed with my first joke at the morning meeting. I thought that it was funny:
 A 3 legged dog walks into a saloon in the old West.
He jumps up on the bar and the bartender says,"What can I do for ya?"
The dog says," I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"


{Groan} Cue the music......

Mark Caplin, retarded pirate

I'll trade you licorice for a/c

Um I am sitting in F203 sweating my ass of. Why, you ask? Because, as you know, the a/c was slowly poisoning me with afghan dust, so I asked for it to be cleaned. Well it has and they let out all of the freon or something. So it's 90 degrees outside and 89 inside. And it's working it's butt off for that one degree. I had t take a shower when I got off of work. I was at the clinic late last night and was woken up this morning to two count 'em two rocket attacks; so I didn't get my tea or a shower. Luckily I took a shower before I went to bed. And I got to use new shampoo that E sent me in a care package. Along wit Red Vines. We have strictly Twizzlers here. If your are a red licorice affection-ado, you know that Twizzlers ain't real licorice. But they will do in a pinch, but I opened the box and there they were, little red heaven. I passed one out to my fellow licorice lover, Dani. First one's always free...
Spent the late morning showing our two new Docs around. Took them down to the Role 3 and introduced them around. Apparently I'm the only one who has a plan for them and I don't have a plan. I'm winging it here. But they did get through their first rocket attack. We did have to go find one in his room, though. Oh well, after the first one it gets easier. We are adding admin positions in country and they are all coming to KAF. To MY clinic. Where there's no room. Plus we're getting a bunch of new Medics that we have no billeting for so we are getting hotel rooms for. I'm hiding in my office and never coming out. Just slide a pizza under the door. And a tea bag.

Finally a real blog, you lazy bastard...

Ok here I are. Our internet is up and down and slow and blah blah blah. We now have the option of buying private internet, which I did. It is supposed to be superfast, which it is not. But it is up more than it is down unlike Dyncorp's.
Yesterday we had PPE (personal protective equipment) inspection, so we all gathered with our flak jackets and helmets on. We looked like a retarded motorcycle gang. I took my helmet in to get a screw fixed and they gave me a new, worse helmet. That gave me a headache. Must weigh 50 pounds. Better than getting smacked in the noggin with shrapnel.

Scary biker dude

Last Friday I went to the medical conference on base. I learned lots of stuff, besides all the creepy crawly things in Afghanistan that can kill you. There was a talk by an Army Colonel about improving communication and decreasing medial errors in Army Role 1 clinics. So I think I will try it a KAF. I started doing it and freaked out management. I started to tell them and they said,"it's your clinic do what you want." So I did. Mangorial panic ensued, now they want to see it, evaluate it, and then try it. Too late, I'm doing it. This is what the lecture was all about.  Don't get bogged down in bureaucracy. Communicate and make sure that everyone knows their role for the day.
We are getting two Doctors here today. Not sure what to do with them. We are out of room in the clinic. Don't have anything for them to do. Don't have an office for them. But other than that, rock on.
We are reorganizing. Nothing puts fear in a corporate heart like a reorg. I thought I would get away from that stuff. But noooooooooooooooo. I will still have a job, will be at KAF but other than that, who knows. Stay tuned. We get information in tricks and trickles which is very discouraging. But I  live one day at a time. Only way to make it here. Spent all day yesterday trying to get a guy with a bad kidney stone on a flight to Dubai. Only took 7 hours. Just another day at KAF.

Oh yee merry band of misfits

good morning.... cough.... hack.... cough...

I am being poisoned by my air conditioner.  I wake up and my room is covered in dust. Including my lungs and nasal mucosa. This never happened in my beloved 2-2-niner. I wake up in a sneezing fit. And I'm pretty sure that it's not pollen. That would require trees and bushes and green things. The only green things we have is Marines. And I don't think that I'm allergic to the USMC. Its making me nuts. They came and did an electrical inspection in my room. They didn't put a notice on he door so I thought that it was going to be tomorrow. So stuff is moved around in here and there are bits of wire everywhere. They also moved my cabinet further from the a/c so now I can't push my chair next to the bed and I'm back to playing "move the chair" in the morning. All the while sneezing the whole time. Move, sneeze, curse, sneeze again. Wonderful.
We had a gear inspection also. All dressed up with no one to attack us. That's a good thing.
Here's the gang :

Bloggus interuptus

Bill is off to Leatherneck to cover for R and R for two weeks so it's back to me and Dennis. I am taking tomorrow morning off to go to a medical conference on KAF, CMEs and everything and it's free. Such a deal. Bill kept calling me after he landed in the foreign land of Leatherneck. He was feeling abandoned as he couldn't find anyone to meet him. But he was eventually rescued and taken to the land of jarheads. He keeps making jarhead jokes. Let's see how long that lasts.  OOps rocket attack gotta go..
[Fast forward one hour-]I'm back but now time for bed. These attacks are exhausting......

I scream,you scream...we all scream for.."rocket attack, rocket att....."

So we went out for ice cream after work and I was walking back to Camp Hicks when the rocket attack alarm went off. I went to drop down but realized that I was next to the poo pond and would be face planting in poo dirt. Hmm. No, don't think so. So I stopped, looked and listened, the poo pond version of "stop, drop, and roll," and didn't hear the whistling of rockets or any explosions, so I continued on my way and went to the bunker.  Ok, I stopped to pee first. "In for a penny in for a pound," my mother says. I'm not even sure what the hell that means but I had to pee and I figured that I was already on borrowed time so I might as well borrow some more.
People are leaving the clinic, some going out to FOBs and some going home. All part of the daily goings on at KAF. You are either leaving on R and R or coming back from R and R. Via Con Dios, Garth. It was a busy day clinically, all three PAs saw patients, was almost like a real clinic. Apparently there is a new TV show about a trauma center in Afghanistan. With my TV work experience I'm sure it sucks. I know it sucks because I saw a preview on Youtube. Snake in the OR? Then you shoot it? Yeah, we do that every day. And we  have lots and lots of sex. Just like TV. I wonder if their technical advisor has chest pain the way we did on "Trauma." I guarantee that their will be a love triangle, someone will die and someone who used to be famous will guest star. Like Charlie Sheen. He'll play the wacky neighbor.

"2 cheeseburgers, hold the fireworks..."

Your meaning of fireworks and ours is just a little bit different, but yesterday was very quiet. No rockets red glare. No bombs bursting in clinic. Just a killer barbecue put on by Dyncorp following the pre-fourth barbecue put on by OHS to introduce us to the new big wigs from Dyncorp. So food and mucky mucks for our fourth. Hey free food is free food. Oh, wait all of our food is free. But this was good food. We now we return you to our regular dfac menu. I went to the the french PX for breakfast, which was closed and the British dfac for lunch and had traditional british fare. I'm a rebel, what can I say? One if by land and two if by sausage roll. Here's me and Bill at the banquet:
note the reflective belts. The height of KAF fashion. He is out of here in a couple of days to do R and R relief at Leatherneck then he is off to Kuwait to cover there. He says that he likes to travel. So travel he will. In Kuwait he gets his own apartment and car. No poo pond, no rocket attacks. Plus his wife can come visit him. Must be tough. Then he'll come back to the reality of KAF. But we all deserve a break. So good on ya. I will miss having him in clinic, it helps a lot with the work load.
We now have the added critter of the  paederus beetle. You smoosh it against your skin and it secretes  and acid like substance that causes a 3 inch welt on your skin. "they release pederin, a vesicant/blister agent, when crushed" We have had one of those so far. So the score is snakes one, bugs one. I think I'd rather take my chance with the Taliban. I want to change the alarm announcements," Snake...attack........bug .....attack......Ewwwwww"

You don't look a day over 195...

We are the one place that doesn't want fourth of July fireworks. But who  knows. We area NATO base and for some reason the Brits aren't happy with the whole "celebrating independence" idea. Imagine that.
I am slowly getting back into this time zone. BAck to work, busy as usual. Lots of personnel changes taking place. Bill will be off to cover a couple of PA R and Rs, so he gets to see "the world" a little bit. Which also means that I cover the clinic more and teach and {enter whining here.}It does make it nice having he three of us here, but Dennis and I will manage I'm sure.
It is snake season. We have the lovely saw scaled viper here. So far I have not seen one. Which is fine by me. They are not afraid of humans and will move towards you. They are nocturnal and there was someone bitten on his way to the bathroom wearing flip flops. The patient, not the snake. They recommend boots or crocs if you go out at night. I'm using real crocodiles strapped to my feet. Might as well use the food chain to my advantage. The literature says that 20% of the bites are fatal. I don't have to pee that bad. Hope the Taliban knows to only attacks us during the day. Hmmmm die by rocket or "evil looking snake" bite? They are not paying me enough money...