For the first time in over 20 years I will not be at the Scottish games. I am going to find a Scottish regiment and demand that they start tossing cabers, eat haggis, and start playing the pipes. I'll let you know how that works out. "Has anyone seen Mark? Last I saw he was cutting down a telephone pole, blowing into a vacuum cleaner, and asking about sheep. He's been locked up..."
Every medevac here is complicated, last night was a nightmare. And it wasn't even my problem. A patient arrived from the US and was heading to his fob. He became ill on the flight and was dropped off at our medic's. They are out of my AOR so they tried to call their hub but the PA was busy, so they called me. I suggested that they should take the guy to the military to get a chest X-ray, which they did. He ended up getting admitted to the ICU with pneumonia. He's a smoker so he had some additional problems. The CO of the Role 2 that he was admitted to wanted him gone, ASAP. We tried to get him to medevac via the military to KAF so we could get a civilian air ambulance here. It's just easier. No way, Jose. Hmmmm? I tried having our Role 3 call him and offer to take the guy. Nope. "He's Dyncorp's problem," said the Major. Meaning, he's my problem. So to hatch a plan. He needs oxygen, which you can't carry on a commercial airline without certain requirement being met FAR 135.91 to be exact. I remember this from my air ambulance days. Has to be in a hard case. Don't have one. Can be in a soft case as long as it protects the regulator. Nope, don't have one of those either. Just a huge pelican box. Fire department? Not one at this fob. My favorite saying in this case, shit. So my plan, smuggle the guy, a medic and oxygen onto the plane. Seriously. According to the manifest, only room for the patient. Double shit. Some poor bastard is going to get yanked off of the plane. In the mean time his medical records have been emailed to me by the role 2, turns out he has been caught smoking in the bathroom. Of the ICU! You are kidding me! At least he took his oxygen off. His oxygen saturations drop below 88% off of 02. 94% is considered good. Say it with me, "Dumb ass." No wonder they're pissed at him. So, now what? Dennis is covering at the hub that is in charge of this fob, so he is the POC, point of contact. But my phone is the only one that works 24 hours. So at 1100 at night, 2300 in our speak, my phone rings, it's the air ambulance company wanting information. Their dispatch center is in Washington, DC so no problem for them. I talk to their PA and give him the run down. He is very confused. Trying to explain this stuff to people is , well, a challenge. You really can't make this stuff up. He finally gets it and tells me that they will call me back with an update, which they do, at 0400. I am now trying to coordinate a medevac, sneak a guy, a Medic, and a hidden oxygen tank onto a plane in my pajamas from my room. "How the plane got in my pajamas, I'll never know..." We formulate a plane. I have set a Skype conference call from my MAC in my room. I have my cell phone in the other hand. All very high tech. Thank goodness for Skype and messaging. We have come up with a very elaborate plan. James Bond would be proud. We are set to go. 15 minutes until the plane lands. The patient has been kicked out of the Role 2 and is now in our clinic, using up our oxygen. Then my phone rings. This can't be good. But it is good news. They will send a plane to the fob. Excellent news. I tell the crowd on Skype that our prayers have been answered. Then the phone rings again. Oh Oh. No plane landing, disregard, Triple shit. Back to plan A. It is now 0700. Still in PJ's. But I have made myself a cup of tea. I am English, you know. Phone rings again. I am afraid to answer. They have found a helicopter to come up and get the guy. Does it have oxygen, I ask. Yes it does. Cool beans. I alert the Skype crowd. We cancel our plane plan. Meanwhile our medic has caught the guy in the bathroom, smoking. I give him permission to give him a fatal injection. Dennis says just to break his knee caps. He's forgiving that way. Dennis wants to talk to "the asshole." Dennis gets him on the phone. I run and shave and brush my teeth. Apparently Dennis put the fear of God him. Or as the Medic said, "half of his ass is in the tent." I pulled his medical record, under nationality it said, "Native." Hmm, dude you're from Texas. You don't seen Navajo to me. We looked at his dental xrays. His missing about 10 teeth. Getting the picture? While we wait , I dash to the shower and run, literally to the clinic. Takes many hours and many oxygen tanks, but the helicopter finally arrives and takes the guy to KAF. To someone else's clinic. Yeah, baby. I go over there before the patient arrives to brief them. They have no idea that the guy's even coming. Of course they don't. I leave and monitor the progress. Phone rings. Helicopter can't find patient. Medic can't find helicopter. I finally put them together. Long story short, he got here. Waited and is now in Dubai. Man, I would much rather be at the games...
By the way we don't get overtime for Labor day. Bummer...
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